Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Council Of Elders

I am writing because my wife just hit me with ?I want another kid.? It?s no surprise?she comes from four?and she has always said she wanted a big family. I was okay with that before I had two of my own. Now, not so much!

I have two of the most beautiful children anyone could ask for. They are so cute. Our first was a charm. For the most part an easy child, easily changed, potty trained at two, speaks clearly, so sweet, a great kid.

Our second was a problem from the start, screaming uncontrollably, kicking when changed, and crying ?Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!? He didn?t sleep well for a year and a half and is a pain in the rear compared to number one. Number two won?t leave mommy?s side, plain and simple, but that?s not my problem.

My wife has now resorted to Mafia-like strong-arm tactics. ?I am not fulfilled, I need another, if we don?t have number three I will get over it but I will need to talk to somebody?? She gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks following our wedding anniversary because I said no to number three.

She says she has 100 reasons to have it, and wants five good reasons from me. That I want my time isn?t valid, and neither is the cost of a child. I am nearly 40, have chronic back issues, and don?t want to deal with picking up a kid when I am 50. What do I do?

Irv

Irv, an expert on aging, Gary Small, once remarked that men and women differ in cognitive abilities. Typically, men have an edge in math and spatial abilities, while women have superior verbal and language skills. But as Small says, ?When I mentioned this to my wife, she nearly managed to talk me out of it.?

Your wife may be an expert in verbal jujitsu, but there is only one reason for having a child. Both parents hope to bring a child into the world. That decision cannot result from coercion.

This issue has opened a fissure in your marriage. On your side, you can argue your wife hasn?t been denied motherhood, and she can argue she always told you she wanted a big family. If you don?t give in to her, she can punish you in a hundred ways; if you do give in, three years from now she may want a fourth child. A victor gets a taste for the spoils.

But what both arguments come down to is: I want what I want.

Researchers in a field called signal detection have found human beings can detect amounts of energy so tiny they can barely be measured. Why does that matter? Because it suggests that even the smallest tension between you and your wife will be felt by your children and impair their lives. We are physical beings who feel physical pressures even at faint levels.

Why not take a cue from the Native American tribes who held consultations in which each person was encouraged to explain their point of view without interruption or criticism. Over many days people would sit and confer, and let their real fears, real reasons, and real hopes come out. Each perspective was aired, and punishments and arm-twisting forbidden.

There was no spirit of argument, and talk would continue until there was a consensus. If you and your wife do this, we suggest you begin by talking about the damage to your marriage this is causing, because you both have options which include ruining the marriage.

Either you will reach genuine agreement or you won?t. If you don?t, there is the answer. No baby. But whatever decision you reach it must be mutually embraced?not accepted?but embraced. That?s the only way to make this decision and the only way to bring a child into the world.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

The books starts off with Mrs. Kingsolver explaining why it is nearly impossible to eat locally and sustainably from farm to plate in an area like Arizona and why her family needed to moved where pastures are greener. So the Kingsolver family settles into a farm and they begin their adventure of eating only what has been grown or raised in their county with much of that being done by themselves. They plant a large vegetable garden, they raise chickens for eggs and meat, and they raise turkeys. They also develop relationships with farmers nearby so that they can purchase from them what they cannot get themselves. Immediately they see just how spoiled people become when they do not have to consider where their food came from and at what cost. Most people might never know what wild asparagus looks like, how to make cheese, or how to find a moral mushroom. But the Kingsolver family was determined to reconnect with their food in an intimate way and never again be so detached from the process.

Their adventures are delightful to read from the first picking of asparagus in spring, to making cheese, to organizing a birthday party for over a hundred people using only produce from local farms.

Barbara Kingsolver writes much of the book but her partner Steve also contributes essays and her daughter Camille details some delicious recipes the family ate while on their journey.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle is a book about one family’s journey from southern Arizona to Virginia and their goal to reconnect with their local food chain.

Many individuals have chosen to use homeopathic remedies either as an alternative to traditional medicine or in conjunction with it. Homeopathic remedies are attractive to many people because they are a non toxic system of medicine.

Homeopathy has been around since the 18th century and is practiced today by licensed physicians and other qualified prescribers. This natural approach to healing and health care looks at remedies that can stimulate the body to turn on its own healing mechanisms as part of the process of returning the body to its homeostasis or balance.
Followers of the homeopathic tradition regard disease as the body’s own defensive attempt to correct its imbalance rather than as a foreign invader that must be destroyed. Homeopathic remedies therefore seek to trigger the body’s own curative powers
Homeopathic remedies are created according to the “Law of Similars”. This philosophy suggests that symptoms caused by ingesting or exposure to a substance in its raw form can be lessened or alleviated by taking the same substance (causing the symptoms) in a much more diluted form. Substances are diluted with water, sugar or alcohol.

According to homeopathic principles, substances will have different properties and actions depending on the level of their concentration (low, medium or high). Homeopathic remedies containing high concentrations suppress and low concentrations stimulate.
Following are ailments that many feel are best addressed through homeopathic means:
• depression
• anxiety
• allergies
• infections
• gynecological conditions
• skin conditions
• digestive problems
• chronic and acute conditions including colds and flu
Self-care using homeopathic remedies is sometimes practiced by those with moderate or short-term illnesses. In those cases lower potencies are taken (6X, 6C, 12X, 12C, 30X, 30C). A 30 may act more quickly and with more intensity than a 6 and need fewer repetitions—but the higher the potency, the more precise the remedy choice must be to bring about the expected results. High potencies (past 30C) should only be used by those with formal homeopathic training or under the guidance of a health care professional.

Wanna no more? Here are two recommended resources:
Clear and Concise introduction to homeopathy

Learn about signature remedies to heal particular common diseases.

Over the years I have opted to ditch conventional toiletries for more natural and safe ones. One of the first products I became concerned about using was deodorant. I had developed very sore underarms. I would get golf ball size lumps under them and they would just ache. This continual occurrence lead me to research what was actually in conventional deodorants which led me to research that has shown a link between deodorant ingredients such as parabans and aluminum to breast cancer. When I read about the possible link between cancer and deodorant I knew I to find a deodorant alternative that was more safe and natural.

I have tried several different brands and types of deodorant…gels, solids, roll-ons, crystals, etc. Some of them worked okay and some of them were just plain ineffective. The one I like best is Ancient Spice Deodorant by Miessence Organics. It is a roll-on deodorant and it is 100% safe, natural, and organic. It smells faintly of ancient oils and spices, it doesn’t feel sticky, and it actually keeps odors at bay. The ingredient listing doesn’t have a laundry list of chemical names that you can’t pronounce. Instead you find recognizable things like clove, frankincense, aloe vera, lime, and cinnamon.

You can buy Ancient Spice Deodorant at:

Earth’s Best 2-in-1 Body Wash and Shampoo, created by Jason, uses 70% organic ingredients, meaning no pesticides, herbicides, or chemical fertilizers were used to cultivate those ingredients. In addition, the entire product line of baby care products is created without animal by-products, lanolin, sodium lauryl, waxes, mineral oil, petroleum, and parabens. The product line been tested by a certified pediatrician but NOT tested on animals. The body wash and shampoo is hypoallergenic, tear-free, and made without synthetic fragrances. The product line also includes hair detangler, lotion, sunblock, baby oil, diaper rash cream, and toothpaste. A travel kit is also available that includes most of the products.
 I really like this wash and shampoo, and wish I had started using it years ago. The body wash is scented with natural lavender and smells wonderful. It is not overly greasy or soapy and is concentrated so that a little bit goes a long way. It does not overdry or irritate my children’s skin, but leaves it soft. Neither of my children, who are sensitive to bath care products, have had a rash or reaction to this product. And it is definitely tear-free. Unlike many natural bath products, the price for this body wash and shampoo is pretty reasonable. I especially like that it does not include synthetic fragrances, which often means plastics of some sort.