Column for the week of May 26, 2008

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

The Illusionist

I am a faithful reader of your column and would like to hear your answer.  I used to date a guy who claimed he liked me.  He is a nice person, and I feel I can trust him.  During one of our conversations defining what we had between us, he told me he couldn?t forget the previous girl he liked.

He is a reasonably successful man who has liked this woman for the past four years.  He assured me he liked me more, but as this was not something I wanted, I decided we would remain just friends.  I still care for him, but I have no romantic feelings left.

What I want to know is this.  I can understand his reaction if they had been together once, but they hadn?t.  It was a completely one-sided love from the beginning.  In fact, this woman indicated she only wanted to be friends with him, and she has been in a happy relationship with another man for two years.  He says he is happy that she is happy.

Why do you think he tortures himself so?  It almost makes me think he enjoys being the martyr.  To be fair, he told me he would like to move on and has been trying the past four years, but is not able to.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Johanna

Johanna, many people nurture a fantasy because it confers a mental gain for them.  It may not be a productive way to live, but they reap a psychic benefit from doing it.

In Jane Austen?s ?Pride and Prejudice? there is a noblewoman named Lady Catherine de Bourgh.  Lady Catherine is a laggard whose only accomplishment in life was being born to a wealthy family.  In one scene in the novel, during a discussion about playing the piano, Lady Catherine remarks, ?If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.?

Lady Catherine?s fantasy allows her to overlook her own laziness and to pretend she owes her lofty position to intrinsic merit rather than an accident of birth.  In a similar way, we once knew a woman who adopted a little boy named Kenny.  When Kenny was five, he wandered into traffic and was struck by a car.

A few years after Kenny?s death this woman and her husband adopted another little boy, Steve.  As Steve grew up, his adoptive parents constantly told him how remarkable Kenny had been.  In their memory Kenny was a child with a natural ability to charm animals.   He learned to read before other children and possessed unusual athletic abilities.

No matter what Steve accomplished, he could never measure up to Kenny.  When Steve married, his adoptive mother remarked, ?Kenny would never have dated a woman like that.?  It is almost too cruel to add that, though Steve cared for his parents in their old age, they secretly left all their assets to another relative.  Their fantasy of Kenny was the tool they used to justify their abuse of Steve.

Your friend?s devotion to this woman also must confer a psychic benefit.  Perhaps he is afraid of intimacy and afraid of women.  If he acknowledges this as a problem, he can go to therapy.  Or he can nurture this fantasy all of his life.  That?s for him to decide.

But if his devotion is a ploy, it is simply his method of dating.  He has no real intention of getting married, so he tells women: jump through this hoop and try to win me.  When you are tired of trying and want to move on, remember that I warned you I loved someone else.

If that is the case, he definitely won?t seek help because there is nothing to cure.  Frankly, we suspect if he genuinely wanted this woman, he wouldn?t be so happy for her.  He would be hoping she?d give him a chance.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, com

PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Hard Lessons

I know this is all my fault. I know I had the right to say no, but I didn?t because everyone deserves a chance. The thing that hurts most is he knew the complications he was bringing into my life.

My parents believe in arranged marriage, and they disapproved of this man. But I felt terrible thinking he knew I was intentionally not returning his calls. He called five or six times every night. Gradually I gave in.

During one of our conversations he told me what I now doubt really happened. His story was he loved a girl since high school, but she cheated on him. It didn?t end there. He kept stressing the disappointments that came his way, his hard childhood, and the betrayal that always followed him.

I treated him with care, and he stressed I could trust him no matter what. As things progressed he started nagging me to sleep with him, and that was my biggest mistake. I became emotionally sealed to him, and whenever he made the suggestion to meet for sex, I no longer fought it.

Everything was good until I asked him what he would do if his parents decided to arrange his marriage. I was shocked when he told me that he wouldn?t fight it. Prior to this he told me he goes by his own rule. He even asked me to continue being with him until his parents arranged his marriage.

One day I saw his car at the hotel we went to. I peeked through the keyhole and saw him and a girl naked. I can?t get that image out of my mind. When I confronted him, he treated me worse than a dog.

I called his mother. His mother?s reaction still has me baffled. She was totally cold, like she just didn?t give a damn what happened to me, or what he might do to another girl. I want him to pay, but I have resolved to leave him and his mother in the hands of God.

Throughout high school I fought peer pressure only for this to happen. I have decided not to tell my parents, and I have reached out to a few friends. I am undecided as to whether I should fulfill the promise I made about helping out with his study materials. I talked to a religious friend, and his opinion is promises should be fulfilled.

I always wanted to live life without regrets, but thanks to my stupidity, I can no longer do that.

Eva

Eva, this man used two stratagems against you. He portrayed himself as a victim to evoke pity, and he insinuated himself into your life. He is a predator who stalked you, knowing all along what he wanted. Don?t give him the study materials. That promise was elicited through lies, and despicable behavior should never be rewarded.

Aristotle viewed anger as a legitimate reaction to injustice. He felt anger protects us from making excuses for wrongdoing. You have every reason to be angry with this man, but don?t turn that anger inward. You were tricked. That happens to people at different stages of life, and they must be able to forgive themselves and move on.

We cannot go through life attributing the best of intentions to others, and we cannot go through life attributing the worst of intentions to others. We must respond to others in a way appropriate to who they are. When we encounter predators, the wisest course is eliminating all contact.

The wise thing now is to continue with your plans as they were before you encountered this man. You are a young woman with your life in front of you. It is easy, when we are young, to think some event has ruined our life. But life has many ups and downs, and it is in mastering the ups and downs that we master life.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

One of the most often heard questions when considering homeschooling is, “Aren’t you worried about socialization?”  I’m not sure if those questions are truly about socialization, or if they’re about socializing.  There’s a big difference between the two.

While this issue of socialization seems to be on the minds of people against homeschooling, those who actually homeschool never give it much thought.  They know that their children are not going to suffer by foregoing public school socialization. In fact, most homeschool children are probably better socialized than public school students.

Socialization is basically learning to conform to today’s society.  What is it about homeschooling that would keep a child from learning to conform to today’s society? And do we really want children that conform and become little automatons?  Or do we want children who can think for themselves while having something to offer society as a whole? 

Children are little sponges, so just by being a part of a family they will begin to learn what society expects of them.  The only way a child would fail to be socialized is if they were secluded away from everyone.  The image of a backwoods, backwards, misfit homeschool family is just not accurate.  Homeschooling families are generally active in their local communities, and often involved in volunteering to help others.  These activities will help solve any socialization issues.

So if you plan to homeschool, how should you respond when asked about socialization?  Are the questions really about socializing instead?  Well, I can honestly say, my kids are very social.  Not only do we attend church every week, we have days during the week that we meet with other homeschool families, and they’ll strike up a conversation with anyone, no matter their age.  If those activities aren’t enough, homeschool children have play days, skate days, and trips to the bowling alley.  How much more social does a child have to be?

When thinking about socialization, one has to wonder, are the lessons they learn in public school really any better than what they’ll learn at home?  Since public schools create artificial societies which rarely mirror real life.  In public schools children learn about drugs, alcohol, violence, and sexual promiscuity.  Most homeschool parents are very happy that their children won’t have to learn those lessons.

If socialization is supposed to teach your child how to behave in society, how to properly respond to people, and be responsible adults, it isn’t very likely that a child will learn that from public school.  All one has to do is go to nearly any public middle school and walk the halls.  After witnessing the behavior of the students there, ask yourself which of those behaviors you would truly want your child to emulate.  That should get any parent’s attention and quell any further questions or concerns about a homeschool child’s socialization.

You’ve done it! You’ve made the choice to homeschool your children. But now what? There are different methods of homeschooling:  school-at-home, Charlotte Mason, classical, and unschooling, to name a few.  If you unschool are you really homeschooling, or is it something else entirely?

Unschooling, as it’s often called, is one alternative to public school and even homeschooling.  Also known as natural learning, independent learning, or child-led learning, unschooling is an approach that flies in the face of traditional thought when it comes to educating your child.  So what exactly is unschooling, and how does it differ from homeschooling?

The biggest difference between unschooling and homeschooling is in the mindset.  Where homeschooling is basically concerned with your child learning what it normally taught in public schools, unschoolers have a completely different way of looking at their children and at life.  Unschooling is based on mutual trust between parent and child and in finding what works best for them.

Homeschoolers might choose to use a specific curriculum as a base for their teaching.  Unschoolers, however, may not even use a pre-planned curriculum at all.  Unschoolers believe that children learn at all times, and that what they need to learn doesn’t necessarily have to come out of a set curriculum.

Another term for unschooling is delight-driven.  It’s not that a child is given complete freedom from learning; it means that the child is allowed to learn the things that interest them instead of what an institution says they should know.  Most often those who unschool learn those things that they will be using in life rather than just what is in a book. 

It may seem to an outsider looking in that an unschooler isn’t actually doing school work at all. In fact, unschoolers believe that living life is the best education a child can get, so they aren’t quite as concerned about what others think.  Of course, if you live in a state that has more requirements for homeschoolers, it might seem a little daunting to prove that actual learning is taking place.

Since homeschooling can take on so many faces, it seems that unschooling fits right in after all.  All homeschooling parents want the opportunity for their children to learn in an environment where they are encouraged to grow, develop, and flourish.  What better way than to allow your child to learn the things that interest them?  In doing so, they’ll pick up the things that traditional education believes they need to know.

If your child is struggling in public school, for whatever reason, and is getting more discouraged as the year progresses. Choosing to homeschool might be a valid option to consider.  However, be prepared for a transition period after taking your child out of public school before jumping into homeschooling.

If your child is currently in public school, before you withdraw them, you need to determine your state’s homeschooling laws.  Make sure you meet all of the state’s requirements before taking further action.  After you’ve met each of the laws of your state, contact your child’s school and formally withdraw your child.  Failing to formally withdraw your child may lead to truancy issues in the future.  Also, be prepared for them to ask questions.

The manner in which you withdraw your child will probably vary depending on where you live, possibly writing a letter to the superintendent of your child’s school system.  Explain to them that you have chosen to homeschool and are formally withdrawing your child. Provide proof that you are following your state’s laws and are legally allowed to withdraw your child from school.  If you can quote part of the law in your letter, it will show that you understand the law and your rights as a homeschooling family.

•  When you have your child at home, be prepared to take some time off of actual school work.  This will give your child a chance to learn a new lifestyle.  After all, your child has been used to the school’s way of doing things.  They are no longer imprisoned by the rules and regulations they’ve come to know.

•  Take some time to get to know one another again. You may think you know your child, but it’s quite possible that you don’t know them at all.  There may be parts of your child’s personality that you never knew existed.  They might learn some new things about you, as well.

•  Don’t be surprised if your child continues to do the things that they’ve become accustomed to doing.  Some new homeschoolers will raise their hand if they have a question or when they need to use the restroom.  It may take some time to do, but those habits will need to be broken.

•  Keep some of the better habits they’ve gained.  If your child has been used to having spelling tests on a particular day of the week, continue to keep that schedule.  If you allow them to stop doing everything they did in public school, you may have a situation that is worse than they left.

•  Take the time to enjoy the process with your child.  Choosing to homeschool, while primarily for the student, should also be enjoyable for you as well.  Cut loose and have fun.  Don’t take yourselves too seriously, and remember that you were a parent first.  Most of all, remember why you chose to homeschool . . . to enjoy the freedom homeschooling affords.