Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Within His Power

I need some answers to my life. I lost my mother to cancer in the early ?90s and met my wife the same year. Through the years there have been many ups and downs, good times and bad times. There?s been cheating on each other, more on my wife?s side, and we are both victims of sexual abuse.

For a long time I?ve wanted to become a sober person, and I?ve been sober now three months. I don?t know if we?re going through a separation or not. I know in my heart I don?t want to, but my wife continues to abuse alcohol. I pray she gets some help.

I feel I?m in a pause, like I don?t know which way to turn, but I am receiving counseling. Over the years, when my wife hurt me, she wouldn?t say I?m sorry. It has always been like this, and I know a lot of times I feel anger. But there?s a place in my heart that?s waiting for her. I miss her a lot and my children also.

I guess what I?m asking for is some direction, and if there is a message you can send my wife, hoping she will read it.

Karl

Karl, the way to start finding answers is by asking, What course of action will lead to success? The obvious answer is that drinking has no chance of leading to success. It masks problems, and it doesn?t solve anything. So that?s something not to do.

You want a solution. When we have a problem, we always want an instant solution. But with emotionally complicated problems, what happens is that the answer is not an instant solution but a process.

Processes take time to unfold, and that?s why they are hard to follow to their conclusion. It is easier to go with a habit which blunts our pain, so we don?t have to consciously endure it.

The first part of the process is learning how to manage your emotional pain day by day?without resorting to negative behavior. Because dealing with this is so difficult, you will need to anchor yourself on something.

You have a counselor. Your counselor can be your anchor, the person who keeps you from being adrift. The process of talking to this counselor will help you put your life story together in a way that makes sense. He or she can work on immediate problems like managing anger, fears, and pain, and introduce you to new ways to approach problems.

One of the most powerful effects of individual counseling is that it interrupts our usual thought process. That matters because if you continue to think in the same way, you will continue to act in the same way. And, as you know, habitual ways of acting haven?t gotten you anywhere.

We cannot change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. We are the only person we have power over. So the place to begin is with yourself. You have to be the one who wants change; you have to want it more than anything. You can make overtures to your wife, but she must also be responsive and willing to change.

The one thing you have in common is your children. Part of what you will both want to do is help your children to have a better life than each of you has had. So work on common solutions which benefit the children. That may lead to you and your wife being together, or it may not. But whatever happens, you must honestly face the problems between the two of you.

Stay anchored to the process which can change your life. Realize that processes take time to get results. Do what you can to ensure your children have a better life. Have faith that you are growing in a positive direction. And see what happens.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Homeschooling is legal in every state, but the choice to homeschool should not be made lightly.  Research and discussion are required to make a wise decision.  How do you tell if homeschooling is right for your family?  Here are a few questions to ask yourself when considering homeschooling as an option for your family.

Am I comfortable spending all of my time with my children?
One of the main reasons that people homeschool is because they love their children and want what’s best for them. They also genuinely like spending time with their children, which is good since you’ll be spending all of your time with them.  If your children frustrate you easily, homeschooling might not be a good match for you.

Will questions bother me?
Homeschoolers are usually asked a lot of questions.  Those questions could be about what curriculum they’re using or about socialization for their children.  If you homeschool, it helps if you don’t mind answering the same questions more than once.

How can I find out about homeschooling?
Check out books from your public library.  There is more than likely a large selection of books that will tell you everything you need to know.  The librarian might even be able to tell you if there are any homeschoolers in the area, since most homeschoolers rely heavily upon the library for source materials.

Is there a support system available?
After you’ve read some books, find local homeschoolers, or do an online search for “homeschool groups (your city)” or “homeschool groups (your state).”  There are homeschooling co-ops available in many places, as well as opportunities for families to get together and have fun.

What if I have other questions?
After you’ve found some families that already homeschool, and ask them about the pros and cons of homeschooling.  Most families will be honest about their reasons, and will be more than happy to help you make an informed decision.  Ask them what types of hardships they had to deal with when starting out.  Should you be concerned about socialization for your children?  What about curriculum?  Do they have suggestions about what to use or not to use?

What curriculum do I choose?
Curriculum choices are astronomical – in the variety available, and often in the price.  While it is possible to have “school at home” by choosing books very similar to what are offered in public schools, it is also possible to homeschool without using a set curriculum at all. The library books you checked out earlier should have explained about the different methods, and should have given you an idea of what your child should learn in each grade.

If you are considering homeschooling your child, or children, answering the above questions should help you make an informed decision.  Not everyone will choose to homeschool after investigating the option.  However, if you want to be more involved in your child’s education, homeschooling might just be right for you.