Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Beyond Inappropriate

I have an ex six years older than me.  Our relationship was troubled in the end.  He was doing drugs and drinking excessively, and I was obsessive about fixing him.  Finally I moved out without a goodbye and went back to my hometown many miles away.  As terrible as our relationship was, he was my first love, and it took me a long time to get over him.

I fought myself from trying to contact him.  At the destructive rate his life was going I was sure he would end up dead.  I thought of him often but never tried to reach out.  Until recently.  One night I punched his name into a computer people search and out came his work phone number.

I called him, chatting like a nervous magpie.  We both cried as we spoke, and he apologized and said he often thought of me.  He wished things could have been different.  I have been married 10 years with three children, and he is married a year with a new baby.  After I hung up I thought about what I really wanted to say, so I sat down and wrote an e-mail.

It was totally inappropriate because it reminisced on intimate details, but I made it clear I wasn?t going to be able to carry on the platonic relationship we discussed on the telephone.  I told him I would always love him and wish him well in the world, and ended with, ?This is the last time I will ever intrude in your life again.?

I then deleted his e-mail, threw away his phone number, and went on with my life?until I received an e-mail from his wife.  She was furious.  I only read the first few angry lines.  Since I promised not to intrude again, I asked a close friend to send my apologies and intimate they would never hear from me again.

His wife must have gone to some lengths to e-mail a second time because I blocked her e-mail address.  She said I ruined her marriage and hoped I was happy.   Then she told me to ?be woman enough to respond yourself.?  I know I sent a letter I should have kept to myself, but I sent it and now don?t know what to do to make it better.

Barb

Barb, in one episode of ?Star Trek: The Next Generation,? the  Enterprise is carrying an unusual cargo: a cocoon containing a beautiful young woman.  This woman, Kamala, is an empathic metamorph, designed to mold herself to one man.  She is on her way to be married, a marriage which will end a feud between warring factions.

By mistake, however, the cocoon is opened and the first man Kamala sees is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  Seeing Jean-Luc, Kamala announces, ?I am for you.?   Though her mistake is explained and she goes through with the wedding, Kamala tells Picard she is bonded to him, not her husband-to-be.

Because first-time intimacy is imbued with an idyllic power and affects social standing and a woman?s psyche, most women feel a bond to the first man they are intimate with.  This is true even when they were lied to and told they were loved when they were not.  It is true even when the woman was merely rebelling against something and had sex with the worst possible person.

Ask yourself, what could possess a happily married woman with children to contact a former lover who was an alcoholic, drug-using loser?   What wrongness might be in her life now?  Something must be wrong with your ?happily married,? because happily married people don?t go looking for former lovers.

Consider also if you have a trait of taking action regardless of its effect on others.  If that trait is negatively impacting your life, then with some guidance you may be able to stop acting inappropriately and temper your impulsivity with reason.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964 , Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Life Coaches are emerging more and more every day. A life coach is someone that works with you in whatever area of your life you choose. Most people use coaches because they want someone there to encourage them and ‘push’ them to reach their goals.

What skills are helpful?

Although a life coach does not have to be certified there are several training programs available that offer accreditation for those that wish to obtain a certificate. Life coaches need to have great communication skills, since this is what their business is solely based on. Good listening skills are also a must for any life coach. Don’t try to offer services for all people instead focus in on one area of expertise and be the go to person for that specialty!

What tools are needed? 

As with any business a phone line, computer and internet connection will be needed. A life coach will also need to have contracts for their clients and some questionnaires that clients can fill out before a coaching session. Another tool needed will be payment options; are you going to accept credit cards, paypal, money orders, checks, etc? Make sure those tools are set up and ready to go before hand. A fax line could also be an important part of your business. To assess your clients, or prospective clients you may wish to have a personality profile test available.

How do you get started?

The first step to getting started would be to decide in what area you want to specialize: business, life/personal, relationships, etc. After deciding your area of expertise you may wish to take a training program, although as stated above it is not necessary, to receive accreditation.

Next you will want to set up your online presence and you do that with a website and by networking with others. Become involved in forums and message boards that other life coaches frequent so that you can seek advice, support and build friendships/relationships with others.

Marketing yourself is also an important step to getting started. Decide if you will market both offline and online and what your marketing strategies will be. Take your time, do your research and begin to promote yourself as an expert in the area of specialty that you decided on.

Check out your competition to see what they are offering and come up with something even better. Make yourself stand out above the rest of them. Portray confidence and believe in yourself. To become successful you have to put in the time and effort to build your business up.

 Resource:
How To Become A Professional Life Coach

A Virtual Assistant does many different things. The area of expertise for a VA is going to depend on each individual. Most virtual assistants provide services to business owners that they do not have the time to do themselves such as checking and replying to emails, article submissions, website updating, forum moderation, transcribing audio, sending newsletters, and many more.

What skills are helpful?

To be a VA or to become one it is helpful to have some skills such as basic computer knowledge, time management, organizational skills, and self discipline. Self discipline is important because you need to be able to make yourself sit down and work even if you don’t feel like it; working from home there will always be ‘life’ to get in the way but with a little self discipline you can make it work.

Time management is another important area that you should have some area of skill in. You need to be able to manage your time well so that you can complete projects in a timely fashion; you want to have a pretty quick turn around time on projects if possible. Last but certainly not least is organizational skills. You have to keep your clients information organized so that you can easily access things such as instructions for ongoing projects, etc.

What tools are needed?

You want to have a phone line, computer, printer and high speed internet connection. A fax line is another option that you might want to consider. Depending on the services you will be offering you might also need Microsoft Front Page, Word, Excel, etc. The basic tools needed are the first few that were mentioned - phone line, computer, printer and high speed internet - but depending on the areas of expertise that you will be offering will help you decide on any additional tools that you might need.

How do you get started?

To get started as a virtual assistant you need to purchase a domain name and create a website (or have one built for you) explaining your services and what you offer. Get involved in some online networking groups so that you can get the word out about your business and so that you can build relationships with possible clients.

Finding that first client will be the hardest and probably most challenging aspect of creating your VA business but once you have picked up that client and done some great work for them keep in mind that word of mouth goes a long way! Happy clients will refer other people to you for your services!

Keep in mind that beginning a VA business, along with any other business is a process that will take time, dedication, discipline and the motivation to keep going. Many people expect to start a home based business and make money overnight but the reality is that it takes time to build up a business. Get involved in some online networking groups/forums where you can ask questions, receive feedback and encouragement and build some friendships. Find a mentor or someone that will help you through the process. Remember the saying - where there is a will there is a way!

 
Resource:
Become a Virtual Assistant NOW! You can easily start your own virtual assistant business at home.
 

A catering business is a service oriented business. Caterers will provide food, sometimes supplies and service for social events like weddings, anniversary parties and just about any other gathering.

What skills are helpful?

The number one skill that would be helpful in running a catering business would be the love of food and the passion to cook. To run a successful catering service you will need to be able to work well under pressure, keep your calm and be reliable. When you are offering a service based business you are selling your dependability instead of a product. Deliver what you promise.

What tools are needed?

If you are just beginning a catering service you might be able to eliminate some start up costs by renting equipment instead of outright purchasing it. In the long run renting probably would end up being more expensive if it’s done over and over but until you get a few contracts and some cash flow it could be the way to go.

Besides the equipment you will need to do all the cooking, you’ll need chafing dishes for serving the food hot and insulated containers for transporting it. You will need some other basic business items as well. A phone line, fax machine, client contracts, and possibly even a computer and internet access if you plan on working online at all.

How do you get started?

My first suggestion would be to hold a ‘pretend’ catering event. Have your friends and family be the guinea pigs. Find out what cooking for a large group of people is like if you haven’t done it already. Having a ‘pretend’ party will give you first hand experience with the planning, cooking and pulling off the social event.

If things go well and you are still ready to move forward with your decision and start this catering service you need to choose a name. Even before choosing a name it might be a good idea to check into the legalities of beginning your own business. Check to see if you need a permit, find out what your local and state laws are in regards to starting your own business.

Once you have all the legal issues worked out you need to decide how to market yourself. Print up some flyers and hang them at local grocery stores, your library, etc. Send out a brochure to area companies that could possibly use catering services for social events. Have business cards made up so that they are handy to give out when you are in public.

If you have a love for cooking especially in large amounts and providing a service to others starting a catering business might be right up your alley. Research other caterer’s in your area; you will want to offer reasonable prices and find ways that you can make yourself unique so that you aren’t just another caterer out there. With time, dedication and perseverance you can become successful!
Resource:
Everything Guide to Starting and Running a Catering Business: Insider’s advice on turning your talent into a Career (Everything: Business and Personal Finance)

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

For Love Or Money

I?ve been married twice and think I was a good husband.  Shortly after my son was born, my first wife started staying out until the wee hours.  I cared for our two young children while she prowled for men.  She became hostile anytime I objected, and screamed at me in front of our children.  At the urging of her family, I divorced her and now have my children most of the time.

My second marriage ended when I found my wife having relations with the frozen food deliveryman.  The truth is neither of my wives loved me.  They liked my earning potential, but they did not love me.

In any case, reading websites promoting affair-repairing services, I wondered why infidelity was such a deal-breaker for me.  Was I simply a less evolved, less forgiving type?  I know in my day-to-day existence I am not a grudge holder.  I couldn?t put my finger on why, after finding my wives were cheaters, I had no desire to reconcile.

You articulate the reasons very well: the desire to be loved to the exclusion of all others, and an aversion to having to remain ever vigilant in the future.  Your view makes so much sense to me.

Gil

Gil, emotion used to be considered the poor cousin of reason, but contemporary neuroscientists now see our emotions as part of how we reason.  Our emotions evolved over eons for a purpose.

Just as revulsion at the sight of maggots tells us not to eat the meat, so the soul sickness we feel at discovering infidelity is intended to protect us.  Your follow-up letter, below, may reveal the source of your problems.

Wayne & Tamara

Rest Of The Story

After my second divorce and a period where I wanted to be alone and take care of my kids, I went on a date.  I really like this woman, and we became close.   I was honest about my kids being a big priority, and she seemed fine with that.

After four months and hearing she loved me and was so happy, she came to me one night and broke up, citing her trepidation about being in a relationship with a guy with young children.  I was saddened but thanked her for her honesty.

Two days later I called to return the books she loaned me.  She was not home so I left a message I would leave them on the porch, wrapped up.   When I got to her house, she was home and invited me in for coffee.  She then asked for a hug and tried to kiss me.  I excused myself and said goodbye.

Two weeks later she began e-mailing, saying how hard this was and how her heart was breaking.  The last e-mail included her photo in a revealing, see-through dress.  After one e-mail from her describing how compatible we were, I asked if she wanted to still be a couple, as I had strong feelings for her.  She said no, due to my obligations to my kids.   Why on earth does she keep e-mailing me?

Gil

Gil, this woman is offering you a choice.  ?You can have what I?m offering in the photo, or you can have your children.  But you can?t have both.?  Women who exude sexuality may offer excitement, but excitement is not fidelity or love.  When a woman uses her sexuality to get what she wants from you, believe she will use it on other men as well.

Ask yourself if that is not the story of your two marriages.  Sex may be your Achilles? heel.  If you confuse unvarnished sexuality with the sexuality which flows from love, or if you unconsciously use money to generate female interest, that may explain your problem with women.

You want to know why this happened to you before, and it appears you are in the midst of doing it again.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers,  PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .