Consensual Living or CL is based on the notion individuals in relationship with each other can exist in a way that avoids conflict through fair and democratic recognition of each others needs and effective communication.

CL is sometimes considered a parenting philosophy, where children are considered to have an equal say in family decision making.  This may either sound chaotic or unrealistic but by reviewing the principles of CL I think you’ll agree that it can form the basis for a family lifestyle that is not only balanced and nurturing but educational as well.

The main principles involved in CL are: equality, trust and self-determination.

Equality
In a family that has embraced consensual living, the principle of equality is very important.  What this means is that the thoughts, feelings and needs of each individual involved are equally valued and equally considered.

Each member of the community/family is not just considered equal they each must truly feel equal and that is an important distinction.

Trust
Direct, honest and sincere communication is an expectation of individuals choosing the consensual living lifestyle.  Each member of the family must trust that all members are being truthful when sharing their wants or needs or suggesting solutions to an issue or problem.

It is so important that in times of conflict, each member of the family trusts that together the family will arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

Self-Determination
In this model or approach to living it is believed that only the individual is capable of making decisions that are right for him.  Of course it is hoped that each individual will have the ability to access the kind of information he or she needs to make informed decisions about the course of life they choose.

The principles of consensual living outlined above provide a foundation for parents to raise children this parenting approach and family lifestyle.  One reason why this is considered such an ideal parenting approach is because it is a lifestyle that supports effective conflict resolution.

Essentially we have children and/or teens and adults in a CL family who regard each other as equals, have explicit trust in one another, and feel empowered to make decisions about their own destiny.  This sounds wonderful but it also sounds like the kind of situation where you will have conflict – especially when there individuals pursuing their own self-determination goals.

CL can work beautifully in these situations.  Yes there will be differences of opinion since in a CL family each person will have an opportunity to communicate their particular need or vision and that may not be the same as another family member’s vision of need.  Those differences of opinion, however, are valued and considered because that is the basis for CL.

A family is then able to continue the exploration and discussion of each person’s perspectives until a mutually agreeable solution is reached.  The process won’t necessarily be quick or easy but it will be inclusive.  A wonderful benefit of this process is the impact that it has on younger children.  As children mature they are able to take these problem-solving abilities with them into other personal and business relationships.

It may seem hard to get through to your teen, because they seem to be more interested in what their peers have to say than their parents’ opinions.  But there are some things you can do to improve your teen’s self-esteem.

* Accept your teen for who she is.  You may not agree with her choices of clothing, hairstyle, or music, but if they’re not causing any harm it’s important to accept them.  Your teen needs the opportunity to express herself, and being allowed to do so as much as possible will make her feel better about who she is.

* Talk to your teen.  And more importantly, listen to what she has to say.  Knowing that you care about her thoughts and opinions is good for her self-esteem.  And as much as she may not want to admit it, having you share your thoughts with her will make her feel good as well.

* Share stories from your teenage years.  This may induce some eye rolling, but it’s good for your teen to know that everyone goes through some awkward times at her age.  When she is having a tough time, remembering that will make her feel better.

* Give lots and lots of compliments.  Teens frequently seek the approval of other teens, but other teens can be harshly critical at times.  Although a compliment from you may not carry as much weight as someone from her own age group, it will still do some good.

* Schedule some one on one time with your teen.  Active teens may not get as much time with their parents as younger siblings.  Seeing to it that you have some special time together will let your teen know that you feel she is worth spending time with.

* Strive to eliminate negativity in your home.  Keep your criticism constructive, and don’t let siblings tease or be cruel to one another.  Avoid comparing your children to one another and to others outside the family.  These are things that we often don’t think about, but they can be very damaging to a teen’s delicate self-esteem.

* Be a good role model.  Positive self-esteem on your part will encourage the same in your teenager.  On the other hand, if you’re always complaining about your appearance or other aspects of yourself, your teen will be likely to copy those behaviors.

Low self-esteem can make life a lot less pleasurable.  It affects our confidence and our general outlook on life.  But what we may not realize is that building our self-esteem is up to us.

It’s easy to blame others for our self-esteem problems.  But while it’s true that the way that others treat us can have an effect on our self-esteem, we can find it within ourselves to rise above it.  They do call it “self” esteem for a reason, after all.

The best thing we can do when other people are negatively affecting our self-esteem is to stay away from them.  But doing that requires some self-esteem on our part, because we must feel that we are worthy of being treated well.  It can be a vicious cycle if we let it.

How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem ?

Those with very low self-esteem often do not feel motivated to change.  But improving your self-esteem requires some changes in your way of thinking.  Even a small step in the right direction is a start.

One way to get started working on your self-esteem is to make a list of the things you like about yourself.  It’s easy to say that there is nothing you like about yourself, but if you think about it, you’re bound to come up with something.  Are you good at tennis?  Do you make great lasagna?  Are you good at crafts?  If you try, you can probably come up with several things that you like about yourself.

Negativity toward one’s self is a big component of low self-esteem, but your list of things you like about yourself can help combat it.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, take a look at your list or try to remember the things you wrote.  Making a habit of this will eventually result in more positive thoughts coming naturally.

Other Self-Esteem Boosters

Mastering new things can work wonders for our self-esteem.  Taking up a new hobby or enrolling in classes at the local college will give you less time to focus on the negative things you see in yourself.  These things will also give you a sense of accomplishment, which is great for your self-esteem.

Taking care of ourselves is also good for self-esteem.  Eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep all help to boost our mood, improve our immune systems, get our bodies in better shape, and allow us to think more clearly.  They also make it easier for us to fight off stress.  These factors are all conducive to higher self-esteem.

Taking responsibility for our own self-esteem is the key to raising it.  If you feel good about yourself from within, it won’t make as much of a difference if others are negative toward you.  And that is what self-esteem is all about.

Self-esteem is important for children.  A kid with good self-esteem is more likely to perform to his fullest potential in school, sports, and his community.  Healthy self-esteem makes us happier people, and helping our children develop it while they’re young will help them get the most out of life.

Part of building your child’s self-esteem is praising him or her  when he or she does well and encouraging him or her to keep trying when a mistake is made.  Lots of love and attention will also help.  These things are very important, but it is also important to model good self-esteem for your child.  Your actions and emotions make a big impression on your child, and if he or she sees that  mom has good self-esteem, your child is more likely to have high self-esteem too.

Another good thing about having healthy self-esteem as a parent is that you will be better able to enhance your child’s self-esteem.  If you have a lot of hang-ups about yourself, the time and energy that you are spending on them is not being put toward building your child’s self-image.  But if you feel good about yourself, you can better concentrate on making sure your child feels good about theirself.
How Can I Build My Self-Esteem?

If you’ve had self-esteem problems all your life, you might feel as though it is too late to work on it. But it is never too late. It’s simply a matter of changing your way of thinking.

When someone with bad self-esteem does something wrong, they often beat themselves up over it. A person may call themeselves an idiot (either out loud or to his or herself), and may feel that they can’t do anything right. If you find yourself doing this, step back and think about it for a minute. Everyone makes mistakes, and you have done lots of things right. One mistake is not so bad in the scheme of things.

It may help to write down some things that you’ve accomplished. Writing them will make them seem more concrete. And you’ll also have your list to look back on whenever you need a boost.

Doing something special for yourself is another good self-esteem booster. Taking the time to pamper yourself makes you feel good, and it sends your subconscious the message that you’re worthy of it. Doing things for others is good for your self-esteem, too. So why not volunteer for a non-profit, help a friend in need, or give something to charity.

Taking care of your own self-esteem is good for you and your child. It helps you be a better parent, and it sets a good example for your son or daughter. While it’s important to be concerned about your child’s self-esteem, it’s just as important to work on your own.

Self-esteem is important throughout life, but I believe that childhood is when the foundation is laid.  It’s our job as parents to help our children build self-esteem.  We may do and say things that are bad for our kids’ self-esteem without even realizing it, so it is important to make a conscious effort to help them develop and maintain a positive opinion about themselves. Even if you cannot relate to some of the things your kids like or do( especially teenagers) you can still be empathetic.

Listen to Your Child

One thing that parents often overlook is the fact that children need us to listen to what they have to say.  When we don’t, they feel unworthy of our attention.  And that can put a damper on their self-esteem.

Making it a point to listen to what your child has to say will let him or her know that you value their stories and opinions.  Sometimes we just don’t have the time to listen at the very moment they want to talk, but it’s important to let them know that it’s not because we don’t want to.  Set a time to sit down and talk if necessary, and stick with it. perhaps what I do; set aside one night a week as family talk night and allow each family member their turn to say what they want.

When Your Child Misbehaves

When children are misbehaving, it is easy to forget about keeping their self-esteem intact.  But it is very important to make the distinction between bad behavior and a bad child.

By describing the specific behavior as bad rather than telling your child that he himself is bad, you can let him know that it is not him as a person that you disapprove of.  It is his actions.  Children who feel that their parents disapprove of them are not only more likely to develop low self-esteem, they also tend to misbehave more. This is a tricky situation, I have to stop myselfsometimes when I become upset about something one of my kids have done and make sure I am letting them no that I am dissappointed in their behavouir, and not that they are bad.

Give Compliments

Complementing your child when he does well is important, because it reinforces both self-esteem and good behavior.  But even complements can sometimes do damage.  Backhanded complements do nothing but cause hurt feelings.  Try to refrain from alluding to negative things your child has done when giving complements.  You can accomplish much more by keeping praise completely positive.

It’s also important not to overdo the praise.  While it is great to recognize the good things your child does, it is possible to put too much pressure on him.  Being specific with your praise, such as telling your child you are proud of him for bringing his math grade up from a C to an A, accomplishes more than telling him that he is the smartest kid in the class or the world.

It is important to start building a child’s self-esteem at a young age.  Doing so will encourage him to be the best that he can be and to resist peer pressure.  By listening to our children and keeping their self-esteem in mind at all times, we can raise them to be happy, confident people.