Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

 

Beyond Inappropriate

 

I have an ex six years older than me.  Our relationship was troubled in the end.  He was doing drugs and drinking excessively, and I was obsessive about fixing him.  Finally I moved out without a goodbye and went back to my hometown many miles away.  As terrible as our relationship was, he was my first love, and it took me a long time to get over him.

 

I fought myself from trying to contact him.  At the destructive rate his life was going I was sure he would end up dead.  I thought of him often but never tried to reach out.  Until recently.  One night I punched his name into a computer people search and out came his work phone number.

 

I called him, chatting like a nervous magpie.  We both cried as we spoke, and he apologized and said he often thought of me.  He wished things could have been different.  I have been married 10 years with three children, and he is married a year with a new baby.  After I hung up I thought about what I really wanted to say, so I sat down and wrote an e-mail.

 

It was totally inappropriate because it reminisced on intimate details, but I made it clear I wasn?t going to be able to carry on the platonic relationship we discussed on the telephone.  I told him I would always love him and wish him well in the world, and ended with, ?This is the last time I will ever intrude in your life again.?

 

I then deleted his e-mail, threw away his phone number, and went on with my life?until I received an e-mail from his wife.  She was furious.  I only read the first few angry lines.  Since I promised not to intrude again, I asked a close friend to send my apologies and intimate they would never hear from me again.

 

His wife must have gone to some lengths to e-mail a second time because I blocked her e-mail address.  She said I ruined her marriage and hoped I was happy.   Then she told me to ?be woman enough to respond yourself.?  I know I sent a letter I should have kept to myself, but I sent it and now don?t know what to do to make it better.

 

Barb

 

 

Barb, in one episode of ?Star Trek: The Next Generation,? the  Enterprise is carrying an unusual cargo: a cocoon containing a beautiful young woman.  This woman, Kamala, is an empathic metamorph, designed to mold herself to one man.  She is on her way to be married, a marriage which will end a feud between warring factions.

 

By mistake, however, the cocoon is opened and the first man Kamala sees is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  Seeing Jean-Luc, Kamala announces, ?I am for you.?   Though her mistake is explained and she goes through with the wedding, Kamala tells Picard she is bonded to him, not her husband-to-be.

 

Because first-time intimacy is imbued with an idyllic power and affects social standing and a woman?s psyche, most women feel a bond to the first man they are intimate with.  This is true even when they were lied to and told they were loved when they were not.  It is true even when the woman was merely rebelling against something and had sex with the worst possible person.

 

Ask yourself, what could possess a happily married woman with children to contact a former lover who was an alcoholic, drug-using loser?   What wrongness might be in her life now?  Something must be wrong with your ?happily married,? because happily married people don?t go looking for former lovers.

 

Consider also if you have a trait of taking action regardless of its effect on others.  If that trait is negatively impacting your life, then with some guidance you may be able to stop acting inappropriately and temper your impulsivity with reason.

 

Wayne & Tamara

 

 

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

 

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964 , Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

 

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

 

For Love Or Money

 

I?ve been married twice and think I was a good husband.  Shortly after my son was born, my first wife started staying out until the wee hours.  I cared for our two young children while she prowled for men.  She became hostile anytime I objected, and screamed at me in front of our children.  At the urging of her family, I divorced her and now have my children most of the time.

 

My second marriage ended when I found my wife having relations with the frozen food deliveryman.  The truth is neither of my wives loved me.  They liked my earning potential, but they did not love me.

 

In any case, reading websites promoting affair-repairing services, I wondered why infidelity was such a deal-breaker for me.  Was I simply a less evolved, less forgiving type?  I know in my day-to-day existence I am not a grudge holder.  I couldn?t put my finger on why, after finding my wives were cheaters, I had no desire to reconcile.

 

You articulate the reasons very well: the desire to be loved to the exclusion of all others, and an aversion to having to remain ever vigilant in the future.  Your view makes so much sense to me.

 

Gil

 

 

Gil, emotion used to be considered the poor cousin of reason, but contemporary neuroscientists now see our emotions as part of how we reason.  Our emotions evolved over eons for a purpose.

 

Just as revulsion at the sight of maggots tells us not to eat the meat, so the soul sickness we feel at discovering infidelity is intended to protect us.  Your follow-up letter, below, may reveal the source of your problems.

 

Wayne & Tamara

 

 

 

Rest Of The Story

 

After my second divorce and a period where I wanted to be alone and take care of my kids, I went on a date.  I really like this woman, and we became close.   I was honest about my kids being a big priority, and she seemed fine with that.

 

After four months and hearing she loved me and was so happy, she came to me one night and broke up, citing her trepidation about being in a relationship with a guy with young children.  I was saddened but thanked her for her honesty.

 

Two days later I called to return the books she loaned me.  She was not home so I left a message I would leave them on the porch, wrapped up.   When I got to her house, she was home and invited me in for coffee.  She then asked for a hug and tried to kiss me.  I excused myself and said goodbye.

 

Two weeks later she began e-mailing, saying how hard this was and how her heart was breaking.  The last e-mail included her photo in a revealing, see-through dress.  After one e-mail from her describing how compatible we were, I asked if she wanted to still be a couple, as I had strong feelings for her.  She said no, due to my obligations to my kids.   Why on earth does she keep e-mailing me?

 

Gil

 

 

Gil, this woman is offering you a choice.  ?You can have what I?m offering in the photo, or you can have your children.  But you can?t have both.?  Women who exude sexuality may offer excitement, but excitement is not fidelity or love.  When a woman uses her sexuality to get what she wants from you, believe she will use it on other men as well.

 

Ask yourself if that is not the story of your two marriages.  Sex may be your Achilles? heel.  If you confuse unvarnished sexuality with the sexuality which flows from love, or if you unconsciously use money to generate female interest, that may explain your problem with women.

 

You want to know why this happened to you before, and it appears you are in the midst of doing it again.

 

Wayne & Tamara

 

 

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

 

Send letters to: Direct Answers,  PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

 

Column for the week of May 26, 2008

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

 

The Illusionist

 

I am a faithful reader of your column and would like to hear your answer.  I used to date a guy who claimed he liked me.  He is a nice person, and I feel I can trust him.  During one of our conversations defining what we had between us, he told me he couldn?t forget the previous girl he liked.

 

He is a reasonably successful man who has liked this woman for the past four years.  He assured me he liked me more, but as this was not something I wanted, I decided we would remain just friends.  I still care for him, but I have no romantic feelings left.

 

What I want to know is this.  I can understand his reaction if they had been together once, but they hadn?t.  It was a completely one-sided love from the beginning.  In fact, this woman indicated she only wanted to be friends with him, and she has been in a happy relationship with another man for two years.  He says he is happy that she is happy.

 

Why do you think he tortures himself so?  It almost makes me think he enjoys being the martyr.  To be fair, he told me he would like to move on and has been trying the past four years, but is not able to.  Is there anything I can do to help?

 

Johanna

 

 

Johanna, many people nurture a fantasy because it confers a mental gain for them.  It may not be a productive way to live, but they reap a psychic benefit from doing it.

 

In Jane Austen?s ?Pride and Prejudice? there is a noblewoman named Lady Catherine de Bourgh.  Lady Catherine is a laggard whose only accomplishment in life was being born to a wealthy family.  In one scene in the novel, during a discussion about playing the piano, Lady Catherine remarks, ?If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.?

 

Lady Catherine?s fantasy allows her to overlook her own laziness and to pretend she owes her lofty position to intrinsic merit rather than an accident of birth.  In a similar way, we once knew a woman who adopted a little boy named Kenny.  When Kenny was five, he wandered into traffic and was struck by a car.

 

A few years after Kenny?s death this woman and her husband adopted another little boy, Steve.  As Steve grew up, his adoptive parents constantly told him how remarkable Kenny had been.  In their memory Kenny was a child with a natural ability to charm animals.   He learned to read before other children and possessed unusual athletic abilities.

 

No matter what Steve accomplished, he could never measure up to Kenny.  When Steve married, his adoptive mother remarked, ?Kenny would never have dated a woman like that.?  It is almost too cruel to add that, though Steve cared for his parents in their old age, they secretly left all their assets to another relative.  Their fantasy of Kenny was the tool they used to justify their abuse of Steve.

 

Your friend?s devotion to this woman also must confer a psychic benefit.  Perhaps he is afraid of intimacy and afraid of women.  If he acknowledges this as a problem, he can go to therapy.  Or he can nurture this fantasy all of his life.  That?s for him to decide.

 

But if his devotion is a ploy, it is simply his method of dating.  He has no real intention of getting married, so he tells women: jump through this hoop and try to win me.  When you are tired of trying and want to move on, remember that I warned you I loved someone else.

 

If that is the case, he definitely won?t seek help because there is nothing to cure.  Frankly, we suspect if he genuinely wanted this woman, he wouldn?t be so happy for her.  He would be hoping she?d give him a chance.

 

Wayne & Tamara

 

 

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

 

Send letters to: Direct Answers, com

PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

 

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Hard Lessons

I know this is all my fault. I know I had the right to say no, but I didn?t because everyone deserves a chance. The thing that hurts most is he knew the complications he was bringing into my life.

My parents believe in arranged marriage, and they disapproved of this man. But I felt terrible thinking he knew I was intentionally not returning his calls. He called five or six times every night. Gradually I gave in.

During one of our conversations he told me what I now doubt really happened. His story was he loved a girl since high school, but she cheated on him. It didn?t end there. He kept stressing the disappointments that came his way, his hard childhood, and the betrayal that always followed him.

I treated him with care, and he stressed I could trust him no matter what. As things progressed he started nagging me to sleep with him, and that was my biggest mistake. I became emotionally sealed to him, and whenever he made the suggestion to meet for sex, I no longer fought it.

Everything was good until I asked him what he would do if his parents decided to arrange his marriage. I was shocked when he told me that he wouldn?t fight it. Prior to this he told me he goes by his own rule. He even asked me to continue being with him until his parents arranged his marriage.

One day I saw his car at the hotel we went to. I peeked through the keyhole and saw him and a girl naked. I can?t get that image out of my mind. When I confronted him, he treated me worse than a dog.

I called his mother. His mother?s reaction still has me baffled. She was totally cold, like she just didn?t give a damn what happened to me, or what he might do to another girl. I want him to pay, but I have resolved to leave him and his mother in the hands of God.

Throughout high school I fought peer pressure only for this to happen. I have decided not to tell my parents, and I have reached out to a few friends. I am undecided as to whether I should fulfill the promise I made about helping out with his study materials. I talked to a religious friend, and his opinion is promises should be fulfilled.

I always wanted to live life without regrets, but thanks to my stupidity, I can no longer do that.

Eva

Eva, this man used two stratagems against you. He portrayed himself as a victim to evoke pity, and he insinuated himself into your life. He is a predator who stalked you, knowing all along what he wanted. Don?t give him the study materials. That promise was elicited through lies, and despicable behavior should never be rewarded.

Aristotle viewed anger as a legitimate reaction to injustice. He felt anger protects us from making excuses for wrongdoing. You have every reason to be angry with this man, but don?t turn that anger inward. You were tricked. That happens to people at different stages of life, and they must be able to forgive themselves and move on.

We cannot go through life attributing the best of intentions to others, and we cannot go through life attributing the worst of intentions to others. We must respond to others in a way appropriate to who they are. When we encounter predators, the wisest course is eliminating all contact.

The wise thing now is to continue with your plans as they were before you encountered this man. You are a young woman with your life in front of you. It is easy, when we are young, to think some event has ruined our life. But life has many ups and downs, and it is in mastering the ups and downs that we master life.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Within His Power

I need some answers to my life. I lost my mother to cancer in the early ?90s and met my wife the same year. Through the years there have been many ups and downs, good times and bad times. There?s been cheating on each other, more on my wife?s side, and we are both victims of sexual abuse.

For a long time I?ve wanted to become a sober person, and I?ve been sober now three months. I don?t know if we?re going through a separation or not. I know in my heart I don?t want to, but my wife continues to abuse alcohol. I pray she gets some help.

I feel I?m in a pause, like I don?t know which way to turn, but I am receiving counseling. Over the years, when my wife hurt me, she wouldn?t say I?m sorry. It has always been like this, and I know a lot of times I feel anger. But there?s a place in my heart that?s waiting for her. I miss her a lot and my children also.

I guess what I?m asking for is some direction, and if there is a message you can send my wife, hoping she will read it.

Karl

Karl, the way to start finding answers is by asking, What course of action will lead to success? The obvious answer is that drinking has no chance of leading to success. It masks problems, and it doesn?t solve anything. So that?s something not to do.

You want a solution. When we have a problem, we always want an instant solution. But with emotionally complicated problems, what happens is that the answer is not an instant solution but a process.

Processes take time to unfold, and that?s why they are hard to follow to their conclusion. It is easier to go with a habit which blunts our pain, so we don?t have to consciously endure it.

The first part of the process is learning how to manage your emotional pain day by day?without resorting to negative behavior. Because dealing with this is so difficult, you will need to anchor yourself on something.

You have a counselor. Your counselor can be your anchor, the person who keeps you from being adrift. The process of talking to this counselor will help you put your life story together in a way that makes sense. He or she can work on immediate problems like managing anger, fears, and pain, and introduce you to new ways to approach problems.

One of the most powerful effects of individual counseling is that it interrupts our usual thought process. That matters because if you continue to think in the same way, you will continue to act in the same way. And, as you know, habitual ways of acting haven?t gotten you anywhere.

We cannot change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. We are the only person we have power over. So the place to begin is with yourself. You have to be the one who wants change; you have to want it more than anything. You can make overtures to your wife, but she must also be responsive and willing to change.

The one thing you have in common is your children. Part of what you will both want to do is help your children to have a better life than each of you has had. So work on common solutions which benefit the children. That may lead to you and your wife being together, or it may not. But whatever happens, you must honestly face the problems between the two of you.

Stay anchored to the process which can change your life. Realize that processes take time to get results. Do what you can to ensure your children have a better life. Have faith that you are growing in a positive direction. And see what happens.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .