Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

I Smell A ?

I was in love for the first time with a man for five years while he was a student at an elite university. We were secretly engaged to be married quietly. During the last year he was away for other training. Two months before the wedding, he called it off.

A year later, on the same day we were to be married, he married another woman. Four years later I married, and today I am divorced from the man I settled for.

Forty-three years later the first man contacted me. We met and he told me this story. He claims he is happily married. The reasons he did not marry me were he thought I was smarter than him, he did not want to take me from my family, and he did not think I would like the travel involved in his career.

None of these things were told to me at the time. He said he thought about me for years and would not come to our home city for fear of seeing me. He said he checked to be sure I was divorced before contacting me.

I am so angry with him for reentering my life. I still cannot believe him. Plus, how dare he say he is happily married and was still thinking of me, even while making love to his wife! After talking awhile following our brief reunion, we stopped all communication. Have you ever heard a crazier story?

Ursula

Ursula, plane geometry involves proving propositions from axioms. When Wayne was in school, he had a geometry teacher who often grew impatient with the illogical reasons students offered as proof. When students threw out any old thing they could think of, the teacher would interrupt and say, ?You?re just throwing manure at the barn wall in hopes that some of it will stick.?

That seems to describe this man?s reasons for breaking your engagement. What woman wants a secret engagement? She wants to shout it from the rooftops and show the ring. So I would surmise secrecy was his idea, and if the promise of marriage changed the nature of your relationship to his benefit, that?s the proof.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, ?The character of every act depends upon the circumstances in which it is done.? Forty-three years ago this man engaged you in secret, and when he was out of town, he broke the engagement. Then he rubbed your nose in it by marrying another woman on the same date the following year.

Forty-three years later, in another act of disloyalty, he comes to you without his wife?s knowledge, and shares a vulgarity about their lovemaking which you didn?t want to know. It appears he stirred the pot and is waiting to see if it starts simmering. If you go forward, then it?s all on you.

It?s too bad more things in life are not like a hot stove: touch it once and you learn the lesson of getting burned forever. This man said I love you, I love you, I love you, and then in a way which would satisfy even Wayne?s old geometry teacher, he proved the opposite. But women often cling to memories of their first love, especially when the relationship involves physical intimacy.

You are no longer the innocent girl you once were. You are a mature woman who can see that actions are the proof of character. You cannot project that a life with him would have ended well simply because your need for the right partner was never fulfilled.

When we think of things in our own head, we don?t have to phrase them charitably or in shades of grey or in psychologically correct terms. We are free to think in terms which express both the situation?s reality and our legitimate anger. You are free, for example, to think the moral of this story is: once a rat, always a rat.

Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Speed Dating

I am a 19-year-old college freshman who has never been married. I am actually dating my first boyfriend, but that is by choice, because I never wanted to be a part of the high school drama scene. I wanted a mature relationship that transcended all that.

However, I seem to have gotten myself far too deeply into something I am not ready for. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three months. He?s 21, and we get along wonderfully. I am not his first girlfriend, but the first girlfriend he ?really wanted.?

Just a few days into our relationship, he told me he loved me, and kept saying it, though I never responded in kind. After four weeks, I did finally tell him I loved him. I thought I meant this. However, since then, he?s come to mention quite often plans for the future. Plans such as marriage after we both finish college, children, names for those children, and more.

I am not ready for this. I cannot definitely say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, though he is completely enamored with me. I?m also worried, because I have not known how to respond, and in saying nothing, I believe he has read my assent.

I am truly scared I?ve led him on. This is not something I can accept of myself, since I honestly do care for him. I don?t want to hurt him, but I will continue to lead him on if I don?t say anything.

Bobbi

Bobbi, ancient artists drawing on cave walls didn?t sign their work. They couldn?t because they didn?t have a written language. Instead they put their hand against the cave wall, took color in their mouth, and blew. The outline of their hand is the mark they left for us.

Lovers also leave a mark?on each other. When your boyfriend said ?I love you,? he put his mark on you. When you said it back to him, you put your mark on him, even though you had your doubts. The problem with marks is, if love isn?t there on both sides, then the relationship has missed the mark.

In sociology there is a term called the ?norm of social reciprocity.? That simply means we feel obligated to give back to others what they give to us. It?s called a norm because if we violate it, if we don?t give back, we feel we have done something wrong.

When social reciprocity involves sharing or being polite, there is nothing wrong with it. But it has a dark side. It can be used to take advantage of us. When your boyfriend kept saying ?I love you,? it created the expectation that you had to say it back to him. Eventually you succumbed.

?I love you? is also an implied promise. It says I will behave in certain ways toward you, now and in the future. Since people are supposed to stick to promises, you feel bad about pulling back now. But if you don?t, you will grow weaker as a person, and farther from your true feelings.

You went to college to learn things, and one of the most valuable things you can learn is how to say no. You have a chance, through your education, to secure your future. That is an opportunity many young women don?t have. So grab that brass ring and put it in your pocket, knowing that economic freedom gives a woman the power to make wise decisions all of her life.

One of the marks of maturity is the ability to do the right thing, even though it is a hard thing. We totally understand not wanting to trifle with another, but if your boyfriend has moved too far forward, that?s on him. The norm of social reciprocity is no substitute for the mark of genuine love.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Council Of Elders

I am writing because my wife just hit me with ?I want another kid.? It?s no surprise?she comes from four?and she has always said she wanted a big family. I was okay with that before I had two of my own. Now, not so much!

I have two of the most beautiful children anyone could ask for. They are so cute. Our first was a charm. For the most part an easy child, easily changed, potty trained at two, speaks clearly, so sweet, a great kid.

Our second was a problem from the start, screaming uncontrollably, kicking when changed, and crying ?Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!? He didn?t sleep well for a year and a half and is a pain in the rear compared to number one. Number two won?t leave mommy?s side, plain and simple, but that?s not my problem.

My wife has now resorted to Mafia-like strong-arm tactics. ?I am not fulfilled, I need another, if we don?t have number three I will get over it but I will need to talk to somebody?? She gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks following our wedding anniversary because I said no to number three.

She says she has 100 reasons to have it, and wants five good reasons from me. That I want my time isn?t valid, and neither is the cost of a child. I am nearly 40, have chronic back issues, and don?t want to deal with picking up a kid when I am 50. What do I do?

Irv

Irv, an expert on aging, Gary Small, once remarked that men and women differ in cognitive abilities. Typically, men have an edge in math and spatial abilities, while women have superior verbal and language skills. But as Small says, ?When I mentioned this to my wife, she nearly managed to talk me out of it.?

Your wife may be an expert in verbal jujitsu, but there is only one reason for having a child. Both parents hope to bring a child into the world. That decision cannot result from coercion.

This issue has opened a fissure in your marriage. On your side, you can argue your wife hasn?t been denied motherhood, and she can argue she always told you she wanted a big family. If you don?t give in to her, she can punish you in a hundred ways; if you do give in, three years from now she may want a fourth child. A victor gets a taste for the spoils.

But what both arguments come down to is: I want what I want.

Researchers in a field called signal detection have found human beings can detect amounts of energy so tiny they can barely be measured. Why does that matter? Because it suggests that even the smallest tension between you and your wife will be felt by your children and impair their lives. We are physical beings who feel physical pressures even at faint levels.

Why not take a cue from the Native American tribes who held consultations in which each person was encouraged to explain their point of view without interruption or criticism. Over many days people would sit and confer, and let their real fears, real reasons, and real hopes come out. Each perspective was aired, and punishments and arm-twisting forbidden.

There was no spirit of argument, and talk would continue until there was a consensus. If you and your wife do this, we suggest you begin by talking about the damage to your marriage this is causing, because you both have options which include ruining the marriage.

Either you will reach genuine agreement or you won?t. If you don?t, there is the answer. No baby. But whatever decision you reach it must be mutually embraced?not accepted?but embraced. That?s the only way to make this decision and the only way to bring a child into the world.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Prying Eyes

Okay, so I’m going to be 25 this summer, and I have lots of best friends.  One of them is 35.  She’s so cool and is super easy to talk to about crushes and stuff.  The problem is I know her dad’s side of the family really well, but I don’t know much about her mom’s side.

She wasn’t that close to her mom till she had her baby, and now she has gone back to not mentioning her mom much.  For some reason my friend doesn’t like her stepdad.  She never mentions him ever.  For the longest time I didn’t even know their names, and I only met them once.

You’re probably thinking I could just ask her.  You see, though, most of this I only know from her grandma who is like a grandma to me.  That’s  how we met.  Her parents divorced when she was seven, and she lived with her dad growing up.  I know it’s none of my business, but it would be nice if she could trust me with it.

My friend lives a couple of hours away, so I don’t see much of her.  I don’t feel like asking her grandma.  I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I have so many questions and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable by asking.

Joni

Joni, we live in a world where you can go online and find a satellite picture of any stranger’s house, peek at their legal records, or hire a private investigator to ferret out their personal information.  Those activities aren’t driven by altruism, but by baser motives.

So the first question you might ask yourself is, why do I want to know?  Your friend isn?t suicidal, on the edge, or depressed.  Just the reverse.  Her life is in order.  Why do you need to know more about her background than she has already shared?

Many people consider family to encompass everyone they are related to, biologically or through marriage.  For others, however, family is the emotional network they were raised in.  That seems to be your friends view.  One thing is clear: you don’t have a true need to know, and a sure way to lose a friendship is by being snoopy and overstepping bounds.

There is something creepy about the employee who wants a key to the business the second day on the job, and some of the most frightening movies, like Single White Female and The Talented Mr. Ripley, aren’t about chainsaw massacres.  They are about a person who tries to invade a life.

We say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but we don’t acknowledge that people who try to learn too much about us trigger our fears.  We fear sharks because they can eat our body, but those who try to get too close may make us feel they are consuming our soul.

The historian Felipe Fernandez-Armesto has suggested the earliest human idea?an idea far older than the first written records?is cannibalism.  That sounds shocking, but he explains that our ancestors around the world rarely practiced cannibalism for nourishment.  Rather they did it in a ritual fashion to take on the prowess of those they admired or regarded highly.

If he is correct, then the idea of incorporating into ourselves as much as we can about a respected person is deep within us.   Perhaps that is why advertisers use Tiger Woods or David Beckham to get us to purchase products.   Paparazzi try to steal images of famous people, and tabloids dig up dirt on them.  When tabloids cannot find dirt, they make the dirt up.

We don?t think that describes you, but neither do we see a reason for you to look into your friend’s background.  Friendship is not something to tamper with.  Her example as a person and the warmth of her light should be enough for any true friend.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers,  PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Buckle Up

I am a married woman in my 40s. Through the years I?ve thought about the first guy I ever loved. We met in college when I was 18 and he was 20. We loved each other, but I was young and scared of commitment, so I kept running away from him and our relationship. Through the years, I?ve often fantasized about what might have been.

A few weeks ago I located him on a web site and wrote him a letter. I said I still think about him and wonder how he is. I did tell him that I?m happily married, but wonder what might have been.

He wrote back and told me he?s glad I?m happily married. He?s also married, and he wrote about his life, career, and family. He said he has to admit he?s also wondered what might have been. He wrote that given the place and time we?re both at, he doesn?t see anything wrong with two old friends catching up and corresponding.

Is it okay for us to continue writing to each other, or is this just asking for trouble?

Suree

Suree, there?s a difference between thinking you might rob a bank and reconnoitering banks. Idle thoughts are one thing, but real people?and real banks?are another.

You?ve taken a step toward bringing a fantasy into the world. What?s next? Chatting on the phone, exchanging photos, finding a shoulder to cry on? If your husband catches you, will you tell him you had a legitimate reason?closure?to contact this man. He may buy that, but we aren?t.

If your marriage is that happy, why would there be thoughts for another man? You?ve checked off a box on a form in your head which allows you to move forward, but your husband and his wife haven?t seen the form, much less checked off the box.

We tell ourselves lies, and the lie that goes with this man is ?we are just old friends.? You aren?t. You were two people who were sexually attracted to each other. Sexual attraction sparked the contact, and the element of friendship didn?t survive that.

There is a reason we don?t vacation in a war zone and a reason we fasten our seatbelt. We want to be safe. But you are taking off the seatbelt on your marriage. You wrote because you are pretty sure you?ve already stepped over the line.

If there is a big enough gap in your life for another man, deal with that first.

Wayne & Tamara

Meant To Be

Over two years ago, when I first began dating someone new, I wrote and asked for your advice. You told me to basically quit being an idiot and stop making issues where there were none. I followed your advice.

The other day I was e-mailed a link to an old column of yours. The column was on age difference, and it contained the note I wrote. The person who sent me the link is my now wife. We are living happy, blessed lives together, and I just wanted to say thanks again for the sage counsel.

Kirk

Kirk, we remember your letter. You were a divorced Army officer, 42, on your last tour, and she was a young woman, 23. When you met, each assumed the other to be late 20s. You were enchanted, but when you learned her age, you backed off emotionally. She didn?t see the problem. Two days later she e-mailed you, and the rest is history.

When there is a significant age difference, what matters is that both people are adults when they get together and they have that connection which is love. A woman, whose older husband is now deceased, wrote us, ?If ever there were two people who completed two halves of a whole, it was us.? She added, ?What a ride it was. I thank God that He brought us together.?

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers,
PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801
email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .