Column for the week of March 10, 2008

Identity Crisis

I am 23.  My husband “John” and I have been together nearly four years.  We
always had problems, but we always managed to let things go and move on.  Two
years into our marriage he cheated on me with a friend of mine.  I got tired of
it and left.

We got back together to try to work things out.  We weren’t sleeping together at
first because I didn’t want sex to be the basis of our reconciliation.  During
the first week back I learned John was still seeing my ex-friend.  I retaliated
by cheating on him with one of his friends and got pregnant.

Now, 22 months later, I have a beautiful 1-year-old baby boy who looks more and
more like John’s friend.  My husband and I have green eyes, my son has blue.  We
are short, my son is tall.  We have dark brown hair, my son is blonde.  Most
people tell John my son looks nothing like him, and jokingly call him “the
milkman’s baby.”  Yet John has never put the pieces together.

John’s friend is still around through e-mail and MySpace, but I keep my son’s
pictures private so no one will see the resemblance.  I’ve always had strong
feelings for John’s friend.  I know he entertains the idea of it being his
child, but we have never talked openly about it.

To top it all off, we are living overseas, so I am afraid if I tell John, he
will want a divorce and I will be stuck in a foreign country with no way to get
home.  If I wait another two years, we will be home.  And yet, I know he has a
right to know, and the longer I wait, the harder it will be on all of us.

Cathy

Cathy, nothing good comes from taking a second bite at a wormy apple.  In
seriously troubled marriages this sort of thing happens all the time, and that’s
why divorce is an option.  People selling relationship cures talk about saving
the marriage, without cautioning you about what may happen if you stay together.

What’s done is done.  What you feel is more fear than guilt.  Guilt requires
making things right and accepting the consequences.  When a person is caught
doing what they shouldn’t, they often try to sell their feelings as guilt or
remorse, but the main emotion is fear of repercussions.

You hope to stay one step ahead of the first serious accusation, but at any
moment the light bulb in your husband’s head may turn on.  At any moment your
son’s biological father-or his mother-might see your son’s picture.  The moment
of reckoning could be as close as the telephone.

Neither you, nor your husband, nor your baby’s father is in an ethically
superior position.  But someone is.  Your son.  His very identity is at stake. 
He is at a critical age in his development, and he may be bonding to a man who
will not remain in his life.

Your in-laws are talking to friends about John’s son, and John doesn’t have a
son.  Your son’s medical history is likewise incorrect, and you’ve created legal
documents which are contrary to fact.  Your son is an innocent life.  Put his
interests first.

If you don’t know your husband well enough to know he could be unfaithful, you
don’t know him well enough to predict his reaction.  He may accept things now,
but when matters are tainted, they keep getting redecided.  Five years from now
this could be the reason he abandons you for another woman.

There are many reasons we always insist on honestly, but the simplest one is
this: most of us aren’t smart enough to get away with lies.  Especially big
lies.  Dishonesty is like compound interest; its effects multiply over time. 
Seek legal advice about paternity issues, then in a controlled, safe way tell
John.

Wayne & Tamara

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

 I love advice columns and am a loyal reader of “”Wayne And Tamara”" , and “Dear Abby”, I wanted to share one with everyone. I also listed their website below.

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.

 This Weeks Column March 3, 2008

A Mother’s Place

My fiancé asked me to marry him about a month ago.  When we were younger we had
a close friendship.  That has turned into a romantic relationship which evolved
into an engagement.  Before our engagement our relationship was difficult, but
definitely worth it.

When we were friends, his mother had no problem with me.  As our relationship
grew, she became involved with his everyday life.  When we had plans, she always
found something for him to do.  Though my fiancé denies it, she started poking
her nose into our relationship.

She tried to limit our time together with silly little requests like, “I want to
buy plants for the garden.  I don’t want to go alone.  Please can I come with
you?”  If that didn’t work, she would invite herself to our dinners or on our
day trips.  For the sake of my business I bought a house closer to where he
stays, a flat at his parents’ house.

As he spent more and more time at my house, his mother got more and more
demanding and meaner towards me.  She’s an angel to me when he is there, but an
absolute bitch when we are alone.  According to my hubby-to-be, everything his
mom does is done with good intentions.  How do I get her to let go?

Heloise

Heloise, there are lots of ways to dig a hole.  You can use a shovel or an
auger.  You can soften the ground with water or get a stronger person to do the
work.  But a hole isn’t going to resist.  Holes don’t call the police and report
a theft of dirt, or wail to the neighbors a horrible saga of abuse at your
hands.

People are different.  They retaliate.  Rappers insult each other in song, and
dis one another to the media.  One says, you’ve got no talent.  The other says,
there are 15 people in my entourage.  One says, I’ve got a gun.  The other says,
I’ve got a gun and two bodyguards.  Before you know it, pieces are pulled and
shots fired.

In many arguments there is no midpoint.  If you are willing to attribute bad
motives to your fiancé’s mother, why not attribute dirty fighting to her as
well?  Why hasn’t it happened?  Because his mom hasn’t had to pull out the big
guns yet.

Over a century ago William James spoke of the “psychologist’s fallacy.”  What he
meant was we think what is true of our mind is true of someone else’s.  You
believe a man should be free to live his own life.  She may think: he’s my son,
he came out of my body, he’s part of me, he extends my reach.

Young children fight over who gets to ride shotgun, that is, who gets to sit in
the front seat, passenger side, by the window.  His mom has been riding shotgun
in her son’s life, and she doesn’t want to give up her place.

This is how she’s lived.  She is wondering, what’s in it for me?  Your fiancé
hears her remarks as help and suggestions.  He doesn’t want to see his mother as
a problem.  If you press the point, he may think the problem is you.

Heloise, some people can take teasing, and others cannot.  Pro footballers play
hurt, while many people wince at the sight of a needle.  We all have different
thresholds.  You’ve reached the limit of what you can take, and you are not even
married.  If you think things are bad now, wait until children come along.

In the complaints we get from women about their mother-in-law, there is always
one key: the man.  If he wants you in the position of wife, things will work
out.  If he has an exaggerated view of his mom’s role in his life, no younger
woman will change his mind, much less change hers.

Wayne & Tamara

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.