This Weeks Column March 3, 2008

A Mother’s Place

My fiancé asked me to marry him about a month ago.  When we were younger we had
a close friendship.  That has turned into a romantic relationship which evolved
into an engagement.  Before our engagement our relationship was difficult, but
definitely worth it.

When we were friends, his mother had no problem with me.  As our relationship
grew, she became involved with his everyday life.  When we had plans, she always
found something for him to do.  Though my fiancé denies it, she started poking
her nose into our relationship.

She tried to limit our time together with silly little requests like, “I want to
buy plants for the garden.  I don’t want to go alone.  Please can I come with
you?”  If that didn’t work, she would invite herself to our dinners or on our
day trips.  For the sake of my business I bought a house closer to where he
stays, a flat at his parents’ house.

As he spent more and more time at my house, his mother got more and more
demanding and meaner towards me.  She’s an angel to me when he is there, but an
absolute bitch when we are alone.  According to my hubby-to-be, everything his
mom does is done with good intentions.  How do I get her to let go?

Heloise

Heloise, there are lots of ways to dig a hole.  You can use a shovel or an
auger.  You can soften the ground with water or get a stronger person to do the
work.  But a hole isn’t going to resist.  Holes don’t call the police and report
a theft of dirt, or wail to the neighbors a horrible saga of abuse at your
hands.

People are different.  They retaliate.  Rappers insult each other in song, and
dis one another to the media.  One says, you’ve got no talent.  The other says,
there are 15 people in my entourage.  One says, I’ve got a gun.  The other says,
I’ve got a gun and two bodyguards.  Before you know it, pieces are pulled and
shots fired.

In many arguments there is no midpoint.  If you are willing to attribute bad
motives to your fiancé’s mother, why not attribute dirty fighting to her as
well?  Why hasn’t it happened?  Because his mom hasn’t had to pull out the big
guns yet.

Over a century ago William James spoke of the “psychologist’s fallacy.”  What he
meant was we think what is true of our mind is true of someone else’s.  You
believe a man should be free to live his own life.  She may think: he’s my son,
he came out of my body, he’s part of me, he extends my reach.

Young children fight over who gets to ride shotgun, that is, who gets to sit in
the front seat, passenger side, by the window.  His mom has been riding shotgun
in her son’s life, and she doesn’t want to give up her place.

This is how she’s lived.  She is wondering, what’s in it for me?  Your fiancé
hears her remarks as help and suggestions.  He doesn’t want to see his mother as
a problem.  If you press the point, he may think the problem is you.

Heloise, some people can take teasing, and others cannot.  Pro footballers play
hurt, while many people wince at the sight of a needle.  We all have different
thresholds.  You’ve reached the limit of what you can take, and you are not even
married.  If you think things are bad now, wait until children come along.

In the complaints we get from women about their mother-in-law, there is always
one key: the man.  If he wants you in the position of wife, things will work
out.  If he has an exaggerated view of his mom’s role in his life, no younger
woman will change his mind, much less change hers.

Wayne & Tamara

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.