Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Within His Power

I need some answers to my life. I lost my mother to cancer in the early ?90s and met my wife the same year. Through the years there have been many ups and downs, good times and bad times. There?s been cheating on each other, more on my wife?s side, and we are both victims of sexual abuse.

For a long time I?ve wanted to become a sober person, and I?ve been sober now three months. I don?t know if we?re going through a separation or not. I know in my heart I don?t want to, but my wife continues to abuse alcohol. I pray she gets some help.

I feel I?m in a pause, like I don?t know which way to turn, but I am receiving counseling. Over the years, when my wife hurt me, she wouldn?t say I?m sorry. It has always been like this, and I know a lot of times I feel anger. But there?s a place in my heart that?s waiting for her. I miss her a lot and my children also.

I guess what I?m asking for is some direction, and if there is a message you can send my wife, hoping she will read it.

Karl

Karl, the way to start finding answers is by asking, What course of action will lead to success? The obvious answer is that drinking has no chance of leading to success. It masks problems, and it doesn?t solve anything. So that?s something not to do.

You want a solution. When we have a problem, we always want an instant solution. But with emotionally complicated problems, what happens is that the answer is not an instant solution but a process.

Processes take time to unfold, and that?s why they are hard to follow to their conclusion. It is easier to go with a habit which blunts our pain, so we don?t have to consciously endure it.

The first part of the process is learning how to manage your emotional pain day by day?without resorting to negative behavior. Because dealing with this is so difficult, you will need to anchor yourself on something.

You have a counselor. Your counselor can be your anchor, the person who keeps you from being adrift. The process of talking to this counselor will help you put your life story together in a way that makes sense. He or she can work on immediate problems like managing anger, fears, and pain, and introduce you to new ways to approach problems.

One of the most powerful effects of individual counseling is that it interrupts our usual thought process. That matters because if you continue to think in the same way, you will continue to act in the same way. And, as you know, habitual ways of acting haven?t gotten you anywhere.

We cannot change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. We are the only person we have power over. So the place to begin is with yourself. You have to be the one who wants change; you have to want it more than anything. You can make overtures to your wife, but she must also be responsive and willing to change.

The one thing you have in common is your children. Part of what you will both want to do is help your children to have a better life than each of you has had. So work on common solutions which benefit the children. That may lead to you and your wife being together, or it may not. But whatever happens, you must honestly face the problems between the two of you.

Stay anchored to the process which can change your life. Realize that processes take time to get results. Do what you can to ensure your children have a better life. Have faith that you are growing in a positive direction. And see what happens.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .

Homeschooling is legal in every state, but the choice to homeschool should not be made lightly.  Research and discussion are required to make a wise decision.  How do you tell if homeschooling is right for your family?  Here are a few questions to ask yourself when considering homeschooling as an option for your family.

Am I comfortable spending all of my time with my children?
One of the main reasons that people homeschool is because they love their children and want what’s best for them. They also genuinely like spending time with their children, which is good since you’ll be spending all of your time with them.  If your children frustrate you easily, homeschooling might not be a good match for you.

Will questions bother me?
Homeschoolers are usually asked a lot of questions.  Those questions could be about what curriculum they’re using or about socialization for their children.  If you homeschool, it helps if you don’t mind answering the same questions more than once.

How can I find out about homeschooling?
Check out books from your public library.  There is more than likely a large selection of books that will tell you everything you need to know.  The librarian might even be able to tell you if there are any homeschoolers in the area, since most homeschoolers rely heavily upon the library for source materials.

Is there a support system available?
After you’ve read some books, find local homeschoolers, or do an online search for “homeschool groups (your city)” or “homeschool groups (your state).”  There are homeschooling co-ops available in many places, as well as opportunities for families to get together and have fun.

What if I have other questions?
After you’ve found some families that already homeschool, and ask them about the pros and cons of homeschooling.  Most families will be honest about their reasons, and will be more than happy to help you make an informed decision.  Ask them what types of hardships they had to deal with when starting out.  Should you be concerned about socialization for your children?  What about curriculum?  Do they have suggestions about what to use or not to use?

What curriculum do I choose?
Curriculum choices are astronomical – in the variety available, and often in the price.  While it is possible to have “school at home” by choosing books very similar to what are offered in public schools, it is also possible to homeschool without using a set curriculum at all. The library books you checked out earlier should have explained about the different methods, and should have given you an idea of what your child should learn in each grade.

If you are considering homeschooling your child, or children, answering the above questions should help you make an informed decision.  Not everyone will choose to homeschool after investigating the option.  However, if you want to be more involved in your child’s education, homeschooling might just be right for you.

People choose to homeschool for any number of reasons.  Some of those reasons include homeschooling for religious reasons, not subjecting their children to many new schools if they move a lot, or having a child with health issues that could be made worse by attending public school.  For whatever the reason, homeschooling is a great option.  Homeschooling does not have to begin when a child first starts school, you can start a child on their homeschool journey at any point in their school career.

Many people think that homeschooling must start at kindergarten.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, you can begin to homeschool your child at any age or in any grade.  When you begin homeschooling depends on when you’ve decided to take your child out of the public school system and bring them home to teach them.

While it may be easier to begin homeschooling right from the start, it isn’t unheard of for parents to pull their children out of school in any grade.  Depending on the student, parents may decide to teach when they’re starting high school.  It’s not unheard of in homeschooling communities to choose to homeschool as their child’s educational career is nearing a close.

One reason parents may choose to bring home a student starting high school is that the parents don’t feel their local school is safe.  With the possibility of being introduced to drugs and alcohol, parents may choose to keep their children from those influences.  They may also bring their child home because of the threat of violence on campus.  These and other issues may cause a parent to pull their high school student out of school to homeschool.

If unhealthy influences aren’t an issue, some parents decide that high school is the right time to homeschool because of opportunities that arise.  Some high school students are already in advanced classes, however if they homeschool, they may be able to attend some beginning college courses while still in high school. 

Another possible reason for bringing a child home while they’re in high school is so they can participate in a work-study program.  Whether they are interested in a work-study program, or an apprenticeship, public high school students may not be able to work these programs into their schedule.  As a homeschool student, however, they have the ability to work ahead and therefore may be finished with high school courses which will free them to pursue an apprenticeship position.

Homeschooling is an awesome opportunity for students, no matter what grade they begin.  Things may be easier on both the parent and the student if they begin homeschooling when the student is younger.  However, that doesn’t mean you can’t bring your child home as they near graduation.  Listen to your child, understand what they want to accomplish, and then let them spread their wings and fly.

If you’re new to the idea of homeschooling, you’ve gotta have questions.  Are you overwhelmed at the different choices you have to make?  How do you prepare for the school year?  Do you have to buy a specific curriculum, or do you even need one? Before you allow yourself to get too stressed, the following guidelines might help to make the process easier.

1. Learn your state’s homeschooling laws. Each state has their own laws concerning educating your child.  Make sure you understand and obey the laws in your state.

2. Write down your educational goals for your child.  This will help you decide which curriculum will best meet those goals.  It will also give you a guide to see if you’re on track throughout the year.

3. Develop an educational philosophy by determining what you believe to be important.  Are you concerned just about academics, or do you consider character development to be equally important?  Do you want your child to be able to learn for a test, or do you want them to learn to think for themselves?

4. Decide what type of personality your family has – do you normally schedule everything down to the minute, or are you more spontaneous.  Knowing this one piece of information can make a big difference in choosing the style or method of homeschooling you choose.

5. Know your child’s learning style?  Are they a hearing, seeing, or doing learner?  Knowing their learning style will help you determine what items you will need to best meet their ability to learn.
If your children are very young, you don’t have to purchase the latest curriculum. Spend time with them helping them learn to write their alphabet, learn simple math, and prepare them to learn to read.  Small workbooks available at most discount stores.  Use candy or beans to teach math concepts.  Teach them to form their letters properly, use shaving cream or rice on a cookie sheet.  As you can see, you don’t need to spend a great deal of money to teach the basics.

After teaching the basics, make sure your child has an opportunity for fun.  Get involved in a support group with other homeschoolers.  Plan some play days or field trips; let the children run and work off some of their pent-up energy.  Having a support group helps moms, as well, especially when you have questions or need guidance.

Subscribe to some homeschooling magazines or newsletters.  This will also help when you have questions because you’ll be able to see how other people homeschool and learn how they handle the different aspects of daily life while homeschooling.  It will help you to know that you’re not alone.

Plan on going back to school yourself; continue reading and learning as you teach your child.  There will always be new things to learn, so plan on becoming a life learner.  As your child grows you may need to try a different approach.  By reading and learning along the way, you’ll be better able to make the necessary changes.

Choosing to homeschool is not always an easy decision to make.  However, when you realize that you can do it and follow these basic guidelines, you’ll soon realize that you made the right choice.  Homeschooling is an awesome opportunity for you, your family, and your children to learn and grow together.

Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

I Smell A ?

I was in love for the first time with a man for five years while he was a student at an elite university. We were secretly engaged to be married quietly. During the last year he was away for other training. Two months before the wedding, he called it off.

A year later, on the same day we were to be married, he married another woman. Four years later I married, and today I am divorced from the man I settled for.

Forty-three years later the first man contacted me. We met and he told me this story. He claims he is happily married. The reasons he did not marry me were he thought I was smarter than him, he did not want to take me from my family, and he did not think I would like the travel involved in his career.

None of these things were told to me at the time. He said he thought about me for years and would not come to our home city for fear of seeing me. He said he checked to be sure I was divorced before contacting me.

I am so angry with him for reentering my life. I still cannot believe him. Plus, how dare he say he is happily married and was still thinking of me, even while making love to his wife! After talking awhile following our brief reunion, we stopped all communication. Have you ever heard a crazier story?

Ursula

Ursula, plane geometry involves proving propositions from axioms. When Wayne was in school, he had a geometry teacher who often grew impatient with the illogical reasons students offered as proof. When students threw out any old thing they could think of, the teacher would interrupt and say, ?You?re just throwing manure at the barn wall in hopes that some of it will stick.?

That seems to describe this man?s reasons for breaking your engagement. What woman wants a secret engagement? She wants to shout it from the rooftops and show the ring. So I would surmise secrecy was his idea, and if the promise of marriage changed the nature of your relationship to his benefit, that?s the proof.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, ?The character of every act depends upon the circumstances in which it is done.? Forty-three years ago this man engaged you in secret, and when he was out of town, he broke the engagement. Then he rubbed your nose in it by marrying another woman on the same date the following year.

Forty-three years later, in another act of disloyalty, he comes to you without his wife?s knowledge, and shares a vulgarity about their lovemaking which you didn?t want to know. It appears he stirred the pot and is waiting to see if it starts simmering. If you go forward, then it?s all on you.

It?s too bad more things in life are not like a hot stove: touch it once and you learn the lesson of getting burned forever. This man said I love you, I love you, I love you, and then in a way which would satisfy even Wayne?s old geometry teacher, he proved the opposite. But women often cling to memories of their first love, especially when the relationship involves physical intimacy.

You are no longer the innocent girl you once were. You are a mature woman who can see that actions are the proof of character. You cannot project that a life with him would have ended well simply because your need for the right partner was never fulfilled.

When we think of things in our own head, we don?t have to phrase them charitably or in shades of grey or in psychologically correct terms. We are free to think in terms which express both the situation?s reality and our legitimate anger. You are free, for example, to think the moral of this story is: once a rat, always a rat.

Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .