Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara

Speed Dating

I am a 19-year-old college freshman who has never been married. I am actually dating my first boyfriend, but that is by choice, because I never wanted to be a part of the high school drama scene. I wanted a mature relationship that transcended all that.

However, I seem to have gotten myself far too deeply into something I am not ready for. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three months. He?s 21, and we get along wonderfully. I am not his first girlfriend, but the first girlfriend he ?really wanted.?

Just a few days into our relationship, he told me he loved me, and kept saying it, though I never responded in kind. After four weeks, I did finally tell him I loved him. I thought I meant this. However, since then, he?s come to mention quite often plans for the future. Plans such as marriage after we both finish college, children, names for those children, and more.

I am not ready for this. I cannot definitely say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, though he is completely enamored with me. I?m also worried, because I have not known how to respond, and in saying nothing, I believe he has read my assent.

I am truly scared I?ve led him on. This is not something I can accept of myself, since I honestly do care for him. I don?t want to hurt him, but I will continue to lead him on if I don?t say anything.

Bobbi

Bobbi, ancient artists drawing on cave walls didn?t sign their work. They couldn?t because they didn?t have a written language. Instead they put their hand against the cave wall, took color in their mouth, and blew. The outline of their hand is the mark they left for us.

Lovers also leave a mark?on each other. When your boyfriend said ?I love you,? he put his mark on you. When you said it back to him, you put your mark on him, even though you had your doubts. The problem with marks is, if love isn?t there on both sides, then the relationship has missed the mark.

In sociology there is a term called the ?norm of social reciprocity.? That simply means we feel obligated to give back to others what they give to us. It?s called a norm because if we violate it, if we don?t give back, we feel we have done something wrong.

When social reciprocity involves sharing or being polite, there is nothing wrong with it. But it has a dark side. It can be used to take advantage of us. When your boyfriend kept saying ?I love you,? it created the expectation that you had to say it back to him. Eventually you succumbed.

?I love you? is also an implied promise. It says I will behave in certain ways toward you, now and in the future. Since people are supposed to stick to promises, you feel bad about pulling back now. But if you don?t, you will grow weaker as a person, and farther from your true feelings.

You went to college to learn things, and one of the most valuable things you can learn is how to say no. You have a chance, through your education, to secure your future. That is an opportunity many young women don?t have. So grab that brass ring and put it in your pocket, knowing that economic freedom gives a woman the power to make wise decisions all of her life.

One of the marks of maturity is the ability to do the right thing, even though it is a hard thing. We totally understand not wanting to trifle with another, but if your boyfriend has moved too far forward, that?s on him. The norm of social reciprocity is no substitute for the mark of genuine love.

Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com

 This is a cream based cleanser that is appropriate for normal to dry skin.  The healing garden has a line of skin organics prodcuts, and this is the cleanser in their facial product line.  I have tried all of the facial products, and this is the one I continue to purchase. It is very convenient to use- has a pump dispenser on top that gives just the right amount of product into your hand, and you can pump one handed.  It has a lovely soft fragrance- my husband (who is very manly) thought that this creamy cleanser was a nice neutral smelling lotion, and so for two weeks he put it on his face in the morning- and loved the results until I chuckled at him and told him it was supposed to be a face wash:-) That really told me a lot about how moisturizing this product is!!! He said it made his beard softer:-) The first two ingredients are natural and organic, and there are a score of other natural ingredients that combine to make this cleanser very effective.  It is the gentlest cleanser that I have found (similar to cetaphil) but still leaves my face feeling clean.  Overall- this is one of my favorite products!!!
It is very reasonably priced- and the healing garden can almost always be found at discounted prices anywhere from  kohls to Walgreens.

Two year olds get a bad rep. Everywhere you look and listen you read and hear about the so-called “Terrible Twos.” To be fair, many young tots are going through a phase of disequilibrium at age 2 1/2, according to many child development experts.

Add to that the fact that most parents are trying to potty train at this age, and Mom may be pregnant or already have another child, and it’s no wonder the 2’s can be a bit challenging.

Here are a few tips to help you deal with your toddler and even enjoy this phase!

1) Remember that a toddler is nothing more than a baby on wheels.
Meaning, toddlers are active and can get into a whole lot of trouble, fast… yet they’re still so immature emotionally. That’s why tantrums are so common at this age. Toddlers have a hard time dealing with the overwhelming emotions they experience. Reading about the developmental milestones children are reaching at this age can help.
2) Don’t forget babywearing. Or perhaps we should call it Toddlerwearing!
Wearing your 2 to 3 year old in a soft cloth carrier, backpack or sling can still be a huge lifesaver. When your toddler is tired, overstimulated or otherwise out of sorts, wearing them will help them to settle down and maybe even go to sleep! The same is certainly true of breastfeeding. Dubbed “baby Prozac” by many, nursing can soothe the boo-boos and help a reluctant napper settle down.
3) Take care of Mom.
By the time the baby is a toddler, we moms often expect life to get back to “normal”. We think that we should have it all together, be back at our prepregnancy weight, and have the house spotless like it was before baby came into the picture. This is unrealistic, especially for a mom who is expecting another baby and caring for a 2 year old! Life with a toddler is often more fatiguing because toddlers are heavier, require more supervision and discipline, and now that they’re mobile they create much more housework too!
Mom would do well to not expect too much of herself and to make sure she’s taking a break from her duties once in awhile.  Most toddlers are getting closer to their Dads and Grandparents, so asking these loving people to take over for a few hours so you can read a book, exercise or nap is a priority.

Parents around the world have “worn” their babies in various types of hand made slings for many years.  Today we use the term “babywearing” to describe a way of carrying or transporting our children that creates a positive experience for the parent and the child.

A stroller transports a baby from point A to point B.  But “babywearing” is more than a transport method.  It’s a beautifully creative way to meet the functional needs of daily life while serving the more emotional and developmental needs of baby and parents.  Babywearing is a very natural and human way to introduce our children to the world and to nurture their confidence.

New parents are often counseled by well meaning friends not to hold or pick up an infant too much for fear of spoiling him. So when the baby isn’t being fed, bathed or played with, he is “put down” to sleep. If the baby doesn’t want to sleep he might cry or might simply stare wide eyed at whatever is available to grab his attention—likely a mobile or some corner of the ceiling.

On the other hand, parents who use baby slings carry their child around with them throughout various parts of their day.  The child’s sleeping schedule fits in with mom or dads mobility schedule!

Many claim that babywearing results in children who cry less.  This claim has been observed in other cultures throughout the world where women carry their children around in slings as they go about their daily work or routine.

Advocates believe babies worn in a sling learn more and learn faster.  Sling babies spend more time in a state of “quiet alertness.”  This is a behavioral state in which an infant is calm and content and more likely to have real and positive interaction with his environment.  So during these periods as a child listens to his mother speak or watches others as they speak and gesture towards his mother he is learning about language and movement and social behaviors.

Experts believe that brain growth and development is spurred by the environmental experiences made a available to an infant who is carried in his parent’s sling.  Sling positioning (across the chest, along the hip, facing in or out) allows infants to be closer to people.  With this kind of proximity babies can study facial expressions, develop language skills and learn body language much faster than they would positioned in a car seat, stroller or crib. 

Some contend that parenting abilities are enhanced through babywearing because the mother’s progesterone (mothering hormone) is increased through the constant and close physical contact with her child. More progesterone can help a mother to feel more positive, relaxed and happy caring for her child.
Breastfeeding is another activity that can be enhanced by babywearing.  The positioning of the baby in the sling can make breastfeeding more comfortable and accessible for babies and mothers.  Depending on their physiology, some mothers can nurse “hands-free” while doing activities in the home or outside.  Where breastfeeding is not possible, babywearing can help to encourage closeness during bottle feeding.

One of the best things about babywearing is that it brings parents and their children together in a way that enhances the parent/child relationship and the natural development of the child.

When many parents consider homeschooling their children they often think the longest about all of the challenges that would face them as homeschooling parents. Often times the hardships, perceived and real, dwarf the benefits. Parents wonder how they will find the time to homeschool. They may doubt their ability to be a good teacher or instructor. Lack of socialization and structure may also be a concern.

What about the benefits though? Are they receiving the same consideration or do they get trumped by all of the potential hardships and problems? What are some of the benefits? Here are few things to consider:
Homeschoolers Can Work at Their Own Pace

The public schooling system is often times criticized for its failure to consider the individual needs and learning styles of each child. In classes with 20 or more students it is impossible for children to get the one on one attention they may need and it is easy for a child to be labeled as “slow” or learning disabled because they appear to be behind their peers academically. The problem with this thinking this that it does not consider the very real possibility that they are simply learning and working at their own normal pace and development. When one standard of excellence is forced upon all children then inevitably some children will fall behind and be made to feel inadequate. Homeschooling can be incredibly liberating for you and for your child when they are allowed to grow and learn on their own terms and at their own unique pace.  The one on one time you spend with your child may be just what he or she needs more than anything else.

Homeschooling Is Not Constrictive

Parents of publicly schooled children are all too familiar with pressure. Their lives are dictated by alarm clocks, bus schedules, lunch money, school activities, teacher’s conferences, homework, and bedtimes just to name a few. It may seem that public school is the easiest option for a busy parent but when all of the demands placed upon parents by the public schooling schedule are considered it starts to look more like a burden than a benefit. Homeschooling can be done on any schedule that works for your family.

Homeschooling Allows Parents to Teach Family Values

Parents of publicly schooled children will often be the first to tell you about how the issues that face young children in schools today are of great concern. Children are exposed to foul language, drugs, smoking, illegal activities, and sex just to name a few. Most parents would probably consider this peer top peer education to be inappropriate and lacking. Parents that homeschool are in the unique positioned to be the able to teach their children about these issues on their own terms and at the appropriate time without too much outside influence counteracting their instruction.

Homeschooling Can Increase Socialization for the Whole Family

The availability of homeschooling playgroups and support groups and other homeschooling activities such as travels to museums and historical areas of interest provide opportunities for socialization for everyone. More and more homeschooling parents are realizing that they don’t need to stay home and assist their child with workbook drills. They can take their children out of the home and benefit from real life experiences, meeting to new people, and seeing new things and places. The whole family benefits when learning is expanded in this way.

When considering homeschooling for your child it is easy to dwell on the hardships that may be presented by this choice but don’t forget that there are a lot of benefits too.
 
Resoucre:
Home Schooling 101 tells the story with examples, evidence, testimonials and hard facts. It deals effectively with the major myths that have grown up around this movement